4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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