It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my phone needs a breathalizer
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
