I have demons in me.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
