the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
