i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
