you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
