I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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