hotel room ftw
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
