Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
