i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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