Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
