Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
