The maid of honor just puked.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
