If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
