This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
