and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
