She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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