I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
