New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize