Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
