I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I feel great
I just peed on a car
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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