it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize