Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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