I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
