True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
