i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
