sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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