Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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