She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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