I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
