was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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