do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
