She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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