I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I want to be your penis for a week.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
