I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
