i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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