Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Randomize
