I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
