9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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