My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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