why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
