Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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