Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
