Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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