A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
