sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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