A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
