I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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