Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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