It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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