drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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