Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
