rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
