stop calling my apartment porn island.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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