Your tits are I can't wait for
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
