quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize