Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
