I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
