gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
