My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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