do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
