I love black thongs
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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